Sad

I’m in a bit of a funk.  It started Saturday night.  I was at Maureen’s house watching a movie.  I left her house and walked home.  What a gorgeous night!  The mountains behind my house stood out strongly and the stars were beginning to shine out.  I just started crying.  I didn’t really know why.  I figured I was just tired.  A lot of times I’ll start crying for no reason or for a stupid reason.  All I need to do is go to sleep to feel better.

But then on Sunday morning I still felt really down and I spent a lot of time crying.  I just kept saying to myself, “But I’m happy!  I’m so happy here!  I’m happy!”  I couldn’t figure it out.  Finally it dawned on me that it might be culture shock or homesickness.  When I went to my orientation in Auckland they said that sometimes if you just start to feel sad and don’t know why, then it’s probably culture shock.

Culture shock is a weird thing for me to be feeling though.  I mean the culture in New Zealand is different, but not that different!  Plus I feel really at home here.  I looked culture shock up online and the article said that the first three months can be a honeymoon period.  After that sometimes you feel different.  I feel sad, lazy, and I don’t want to do simple tasks like washing the dishes.  These are apparently symptoms of the second phase of culture shock.  

The thing is I don’t feel shocked.  Maybe it’s a misnomer.  Shock doesn’t seem to describe what I feel.  I just feel tired and sad.  It probably didn’t help that my roommate Josh left this morning.  Lainey, my new roommate also ended up leaving because of a family emergency.  Maureen left this morning for a couple days too.  So I feel totally abandoned.  I think Josh leaving is the hardest.  Maureen will come back and I hadn’t bonded that much with Lainey.  Josh was here to welcome me when I came to Fox.  He was kind and patient with me when I tried to learn the ins and outs of the dinning room and kitchen.  He was very sympathetic.  

It’s hard to have friends leave me behind.  I remember feeling this way when Rachel and Richard left when we lived together in Colorado.  I got up early in the morning and our roommate Lydia made us pancakes for breakfast.  Then Rachel and Richard left and the apartment felt empty without them.  They’d brought a lot of fun and laughter and now there was quietness.  

It was the same this morning.  I got up early to see Josh and Lainey off even though I could have slept in for the first time in a long time.  I try not to show my sadness anymore when people leave me.  I try just to be happy for them.  They left within ten minutes of each other and the house was silent.  

Anyway, I’m sad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.  It’s a weird, overwhelming feeling.  It just sits on me.  It’s like it has settled in like a bad cold.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m hoping this feeling will just pass.